A Coward's Life

When I think of this summer, a few different things come to mind:

• taping glowsticks to my clothes for a dance at VBS
• cutting out lots of paper trees
• woodchips [oh, how I hate woodchips]
• lunch with the interns
• walking to Zaxby’s
• ships & sailors and ninja and sardines
• teaching kids
• teaching adults
• learning [via class, experience, watching, listening, etc]
• lots of bruises
• realizing that I should never assume that I know what I am meant to do
• soul of my soul
• serving
• community

I think that last one sums it up best.

Community.

It is that time of year, my friends.  Change is happening all around us.  It is not like change does not happen at any time of the year; but, it especially happens now.  Students are graduating.  Real life is starting.  Dorms are being emptied.  Leases are being signed.  Scholarships are being settled.  Schedules are being finalized.

There is a spark in the air of something new being right around the corner.  New experiences, new friends, new burdens, new blessings.

This is my favorite time of year.  Change.

I used to be afraid of it.  Then I craved it.

I hate leaving people behind and letting things go.  But, oh, how I love to explore new grounds.  I love packing all of my things away in as few bags as possible without a concrete idea of where I will unpack them.  I like seeing what is actually important in my life and what I can leave behind.  I am secretly proud that I can fit everything I hold dear in my car, capable of driving off alone into new territory.

Except I am not alone.  Yeah, I am capable of moving by myself.  But, this time I do not have to.  I have friends making this transition with me.  Friends who will be studying with me and serving with me.  This time, I will not be on new ground (like last summer, with an entirely different country beneath my feet).  No, I will be returning to a city that has been my home at many different points in my life for many different reasons.  I will not be on new ground, but I will still be exploring.  Meeting new people and finding what nuances of life speak to them that I never before noticed.  And sharing with them what I treasure about this life that I am blessed with.

I am so excited for what life has in store.  For what God has planned for my immediate future. [not to mention whatever might come after that]

Who are we to question God?
Who are we to know his thoughts?
Who are we to assume anything?

Who am I to claim I have found what He wants for me and my life?
Who am I to think I am that important?
Who am I to expect to know answers? 

we grow up
with mentors
with models
with every story telling us
about love.

we expect it.
we assume it is a right.

but we never recognize it.

love is not romance.
love is not
kisses in the rain or
flowers in a vase or
a dance on a wedding night.

love is sacrifice.
love is commitment.
love on Earth is just a shadow.

it’s a shadow of how God feels about people. 

A gentle rain outside my window soothes me as I lay in bed with a fantastic book. For the first Friday in a long time, I have nowhere to go. No place to be. No one to please. Just an empty day. Filled with the simplest of pleasures.

I tend to think that I am a strange combination of spontaneity and planning.  I have to keep a planner to know what all is coming up in my life, but on a day to day basis, anything and everything could happen.  I may go to class, I may not.  I may do what’s planned, or I may randomly drive to another city for some reason or another.

I like that.  I like seeing both sides of things.  So, today in class, I was looking at my planner and seeing what all I have going on this summer.  I’m working in Tupelo from May 21 to July 31.  I didn’t realize, however, that school doesn’t start until August 20.  That’s nearly three weeks where I have nothing at all planned.  And, I see so much potential.

By then, my family should be officially moved to Southhaven.  That rules out going “home.”  I could travel.  I could see bands [though, I already have a few places I want to go in June and July, so I might have already done that by then].  I could explore places I have never been.  I could visit friends in far off places.  I could go camping and disappear from the world for a little bit.

There’s so much potential.  I’m excited.

she’s overcome
with the idea of it all.

thunderous waves
an endless beach
stars shining down

“make it last,”
she thinks.

time ticks on.
more stars come.
she finally just falls back
to absorb it all.